Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Alaska: Come to Palin Country

Alaska is the America you all want to be. The 'real America', if you will (and any real American would). Every liberal has a secret hope for that final freedom. Every one of them wakes up at night in a cold sweat with a lonely vision of the frozen north and a longing to be so nowhere.

If you eavesdrop on your minds you’ll hear all sorts of noises that have nothing to do with who you are supposed to be. But sometimes it’s those noises that make you who you are. But Alaska is not only an important metaphor for your unconscious mind. It does other magic too. Whenever you that tingly pre-election feeling, that feeling that says 'heck, just vote crazy! Vote Republican', that is Alaska, my friend. That is the call of the wild.Smell the scent of a newborn lamb on a raining sunny afternoon -- that, my friends, is Alaska. Or a rotting elk in a snowy field: pure Alaska; pure as the driven Alaska snow.

Alaska is a State of the Union, a state of mind, and a statement of the key facts in handy bullet points, comme ça:

Alaska data that matter (aka AK Led Astray)
Here are Six Super Facts about ‘The Snowy State’:-

1. Alaska produces 3.5 percent of the USA’s total energy supply.

2. The whole state of Alaska has a smaller population than:
Ø San Francisco
Ø Jacksonville, FL
Ø Afghanistan’s Anbar Province
Ø the Union of the Comoros
Ø Texas’ 2nd congressional district
Ø the Church of Scientology
Ø Leeds
Ø half of Cyprus
Ø the adults in the Boy Scouts of America.
Ø the movie Ghandi (almost)

3. Alaska Statute 39.52.10(a) clearly states that [This ‘Super’ Fact has been removed as it was not in the spirit of superfun and was a thinly veiled leftwing-media-biased attempt at spoiling the fun of the election by implicating an ‘issue’ – Ed.]

4. The Governor of Alaska’s name is an anagram of ‘a liar has to punish a heel’, or, if you prefer, ‘Ha! I share to punish a seal’. [That’s better – Ed.]

5. The time taken to work out Super Fact Four really isn’t worth it.

6. And for our final fascinating Super Fact, The Top Three Most Worrying Things That Have Been Said In Alaska are:
Ø "I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." – Sarah Palin, Alaska Business Monthly, March 2007
Ø “I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.” – Sarah Palin after giving her office a makeover courtesy of the city highway fund.
Ø "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that." – Um, not sure who said this one -- let’s watch the video!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very funny - and a bit scary. Don't mind telling you that I really don't want McCain/Palin to get in...