Wednesday, 15 October 2008

How to Get Noticed in America

Top tips to help Uncle John McCain see if he can't put the McCain back into 'election campMcCaingn' as we limber up to Long Island and D3.

Stand out from the crowd with the Top Three 3 Sure-fire Steps to the reaction you deserve.

 Be a hero. An American hero. America loves a hero.
 Accept your party’s – chose one – nomination for President.
 DO NOT under any circumstance BE JOHN MCCAIN.

That last one’s toughie, but it’s essential.

I’m down in Long Island to see if Drunk Uncle John McCain can refocus the focus of this increasingly folksy election focus by focussing on the issues that matter to ordinary American folk -- us. Yes, us – you and me – we, the people, need to reengage with this election on the level of substance rather than gloss and cheap shots. This will be a tall order for either candidate at tonight’s debacle debate. If you’re not convinced about how bad it’s gotten, just read the superficial dross that even I am spouting.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. Please, not with those big old prison camp puppy dog eyes. It’s a mess of your own making. You got us here and now you’ve only yourself to blame. You chose her. Your little stunt worked too well. And now the weather report shows that it’s hailin’ Sarah Palin! And I’m not complainin’.

If you’ve formed an exploratory committee, sussed out your options, and it turns out that there’s no way around it – you are Sen. John McCain, then, well, then there’s only one thing for it: you could have a go at grabbing back some airtime by being Noticeable Matt Damon as well.

This might seem at first like an even tougher call. Being two people is something you’re not used to doing; it might seem difficult. No need to worry: Matt ‘Noticeable’ Damon himself has been two people for years: Matt ‘Notable’ Damon, the fair-to-middling (should that be 'meddling'? - Ed.) 'Thespian' who needs a prompter to soliloquize anything longer than his own name, even when he himself wrote it; and yet at the same time the astute political genius Matt ‘Look at Me!’ Damon, who can use elected officials as sounding-boards for his own ignorance and America will act like he matters.

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