Monday, 20 October 2008

Matt Damon v. Sarah Palin: Crazy realities, 'political purposes' & bad movies

You’ll have all by now seen square-faced word-talker Matt Damon speaking words on Youtube. For those of you who have not, I’m here to help. Here is the transcript:

"Hi. I’m Matt Damon. Eurgh, oog, aww. She… I mean did she really …I need to know if she really… I want to know that, I really do I want to know, have you ever seen the rain? Dinosaurs…if she banned books we can't have that. I’m scared of mommy…goo goo ya boo wa waa…glug glug gloop pfffrrpthpuyup! Liberal dinosaurs.”

- Matt ‘Totally Absurd’Damon

Mmm, that’s good satire (not the sophisticated satire you were hoping for but pooh to you -- I’m a maverick.) Truth be told, I’m not sure what Matt Damon said; I couldn’t see his words past his massive Lego head. But the well manicured point is this: President Sarah Palin has captured the imagination and the hearts of the Yankee people in a way that Matt Damon could only ever come close to doing on screen. Like me, she’s a maverick and she’s gonna shake things up, just you wait. When the railroad comes to Alaska she’ll be blowing steam right there with it chugging along like a little bespectacled engine that could ride shotgun with Jesus into a new age of New Age Reaganomic hokum Christian homemade folksy natural political remedies. (Commas will have no place in this brave new world [Jesus never used them] – Sorry people this close to an election it’s all about the rant!)

And she’s not just a (said with an all-too-educated liberal sneer) "hockey mom", she’s the Daddy of hockey moms. Sure, as some tittle-tattlers have been gossiping (see the report), she may not do things ‘ethically’ and conform to your bigcityways. Sure, she killed a baby moose to refurbish her lipstick. But, dangnabit, given the choice between that and sipping latte enemas in a hippie tofu I’d be skinning seal pups in the Land of the Folksy Twilight faster than you can betcha. And, frankly Damon, she would, and probably will, make one heckuva film.

Oh, yeah, Damon! Bring it on! You think your joking, but that’s a movie I’d like to see! I can hear the deep velvety voice of trailer now:

Wildly maverick. Impossibly well-groomed. A down-home folksy rebel. For the first 40 years of her life, Will Hunti...ahem, Sarah Palin has called the shots. Now she's about to meet her match…the world.
…hmm, this sounds familiarly trite and folksy and yet, underneath all that, cynically manipulative…Has Sarah Palin made movies before?…

Some people can always believe in themselves because they were never taught to ask questions, until some country believes in them…and makes them Vice President.
Hang on a minute! The Sarah Palin Story isn’t a bad Disney movie! – it’s a bad Matt Damon movie! ‘Good Moose Hunting’, anyone? I’m just planting seeds. But for those of you still convinced it needs this Disney treatment, this trailer has got the right idea on that one.

This week 'Long Island's Very Own' Angelo has given his regular Monday post one of those nifty footnote-singnature things, just like a real columnist.

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